Ahh I can’t tell you how good it is to sit down and finally be writing a post; it has been too long. Six months to be exact… I’ve finally got a minute to myself to gather my thoughts and stick them into one little blog post. I say little but come on, it’s been six months – we’ve got so much to catch up on. I’ve missed you. Grab a cuppa because this post is going to be a no holds barred account of what you’ve missed.
So, what’s changed in the life of Kate Alice? Well, I ditched the blonde and I’m a fully-fledged brunette now, I’m still just as, or if not more, obsessed with beauty, and ya girl is free and single!
The last time I even paid attention to my blog was before Christmas. When I was planning my Blogmas posts which, evidently, didn’t happen. I posted two and gave up. That’s because I was going through a really shit time in my life yet again. I think what I needed was to take time to myself; to focus on me, my job and my house. As I’m sure you gathered from my posts, I’ve been through a lot of crap in recent years and I think that these issues we’re just sort of lingering. I was over them and I had spoken about them but I just hadn’t dealt with them, as such. With all due respect to myself and my god I hate this phrase, but I just hadn’t ‘gotten over’ the issues or fully processed what I had been through. I needed to go into full-time recovery mode.
We’ll start six months ago, shall we? When I thought my world had finally come to a halt. We broke up.
It was less than a month until Christmas and me and him were planning our first one in our house. This was so exciting for me. After getting out of the hospital and doing so well with my recovery, Christmas was going to be incredible. It was all I wanted. Warm, cosy nights in front of the telly, spiced apple scented candles and the lights on the tree giving that warm glow to the living room. But life is full of unexpected surprises and is never as it seems. Ever.
Now, the thing with ‘abuse’ in a relationship is that it comes in all different forms; physical and mental being the main categories. As I look back now, it’s evident to see that my relationship was abusive and the main cause of my consistent bad mental health. He was sneaky in how he would do it. Everyone thought he was quiet and his ‘wouldn’t hurt a fly’ persona was far from the truth. Without making this post all about him, some of the things that have drawn me to the conclusion are:
He would tell me I was the love of his life and plan our future together for him to turn around the next day and tell me he didn’t love me and didn’t know if he wanted to be with me. I would sob my heart out and he’d just look at me like I was trash. This was a daily occurrence. Any avid Love Island watches reading? Well put it this way; he looked at me the way Adam looked at Rosie whilst she was crying.
When our three year anniversary came around, he refused to spend the day with me as he ‘didn’t see the point’. When I got pregnant again, after my ectopic pregnancy (post on that linked here), he tried to force me into an abortion. When I explained after losing Finn, I didn’t have it in me to have a termination, he told me I could never have a baby because I wasn’t stable enough to raise a child. I luckily have this particular conversation secretly recorded and when I got close friends and family to listen, most cried and others looked at me in disbelief; “how can you be with someone that disgusting?”. The stress of him caused me to miscarry.
And the worst one of all, the nail in the coffin of sorts… I was told that if I had just listened to him and hadn’t been friends with certain people, I would never have gotten raped. A sort of ‘I told you I didn’t want you to be friends with him therefor you deserved it’ kind of attitude.
Let me tell you, as much as I cried, within a week of him leaving, I started to feel better. My head was clearer, my suicidal thoughts began to fade and my life slowly started to rebuild. I sought therapy again and started making regular trips to my psychiatrist with the deal that if he made me a promise that I wouldn’t go back into a rehab facility, I would make my recovery my top priority. So, I did.
I am very proud to say that, from the time he left to now, I’ve come off three of my four meds, discharged from mental health services and the best one for me is that, to date, I am 7 months clean from self harm.
Being single has honestly been incredible. I love it. I have put everything into focusing on myself and growing mentally. I’ve loved dating, meeting new people and making memories with friends. I have literally had some of the best nights out as well as unforgettable nights in and day trips. I’ve experimented in so many different aspects of my life and done things I thought I’d never do. I’ve reconnected with old friends, as well as made new ones so my life is well and truly full of love at the moment; there is nothing better than surrounding yourself with the best company.
One of my biggest regrets from my entire 8 years of suffering with bad mental health, was hurting my best friend. I gave up trying to apologise for what I had done, I was fighting a losing battle and accepted the fact that I’d lost one of the most important people in my life because of what I did when I had hit my rock bottom. I could never take it back and it’s a regret I will live with for the rest of my life. This girl was the best friend I have ever had, my absolute rock and the person I could spend days on end with. I would constantly check up on her social media to see how she was doing or scroll through our pictures together and feel lost. But, like I said earlier, life is full of unexpected surprises and one morning I woke up to a text from her saying that she wanted to get in touch again. That morning, a seemingly normal Tuesday, I started my day with tears of pure happiness and ended with putting the worlds to right over a cuppa with my girl. In the next few days, we spoke constantly and I got to meet her new boyfriend who is still, to date, the most down to earth lad I’ve met in a very long time. Seeing how genuinely happy she was and continues to be, makes me happy.
We saw in the new year together and, as the clock struck 12, we both burst into tears and told each other we loved each other. I counted myself as one of the luckiest girls in the world that night. 2017 had completely drained me both physically and mentally, but I was starting 2018 with a fresh start with the best mate a girl could ever wish for.
We’re just as close as before, if not closer and without her love, support, laughs and genuine kindness – I wouldn’t be as happy as I am now.
Shann; my (nearly but still counts) sister. I met Shann through my ex. She was the mother to his niece and was his brothers girlfriend. When I became part of the family it was all ‘stay away from her, she’s this, she’s that’. But after meeting her briefly, we made plans to go for lunch one day and get to know each other. I instantly clicked with this girl and hadn’t a clue why she wasn’t liked by this family. I later became to realise it was because she’s honest. If you’ve done wrong, Shann is one of the few people in life to call you out. That’s what they didn’t like I guess.
We did have a brief fall out and without delving in to it, my ex got into my head. But, we reconnected this year and now, at nearly four years of knowing her, I couldn’t imagine my life without this girl. Honest, insanely intelligent, caring and her incredible strength is nothing short of admirable. I am proud to call her a friend. Just because we’re not a part of that family any longer, we’ve still kept our bond and I love that.
I started a new job back in October which I absolutely love. I’m an MSP coordinator for Reed and work with a number of police forces across the UK. This is the first job I’ve had where I actually enjoy going to work and don’t yearn for the weekends. Working for police forces is challenging but you know ya girl loves a challenge.
I have also decided to get into the world of business. Now, after months of debating whether or not to join, countless uhming and ahhing later, I thought I’d take the plunge and say yes to an Instagram message from one of my, now, team members Chelsea (follow her Insta – it’s fab). I am now really proud to say I work with an insane company with a gorgeous team of girls, endless financial opportunities and the best beauty products in the game – and I’m a beauty blogger so you know you can trust me on that!
I get to test some of their best selling products and I am just astounded that the products aren’t absolutely everywhere. If you’re clever, you’ll get your hands on them now before everyone else does. Best believe there will be a post coming very soon on my favourite products so keep your eyes peeled.
If you’re reading this and thinking this is something you’d like to be a part of then, girl seriously, TAKE THE PLUNGE AND SAY YES! Message me, join our business, make money and look like your best self in the process.
So in my new life, with my rejuvenated mental state and a fresh outlook on life, Kate 2.0 as such, I am finally ready to make my comeback to Beautiful Messed Up Minds and to begin building my brand. As you know, writing is one of my biggest passions in life. I love to sit down and just get everything out and to share it with like minded people. My biggest goal is to get as many people reading my posts as possible. I don’t think I’m going to re-brand – I still want to write about beauty and mental health, I’m just going to make it better. I want to post more on here and on my socials. I want to work with more brands and I want to get my name out there.
So, if you’re glad to see me back in the blogging game then let me know! Comment below; what would you like to see from me and Beautiful Messed Up Minds?